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Redneck Jokes Page 2
Info: These redneck jokes are Billtvshow.com originals, not by Jeff Foxworthy. They are by Billtvshow.com staff members and additional contributors, using Jeff Foxworthy's joke style and any similarities with other redneck jokes by Jeff Foxworthy or anyone else is strictly a coincidence. Each mobile page for the redneck jokes contains 200 jokes.
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Jokes:
You might be a redneck if...
You think you have a legitimate chance of scoring with a cartoon character
You’ve ever found sustenance on a bar stool
You tell time based on when your dog has to go
You’ve ever gotten drunk in a closet on a mild summer day
You’ve ever yawned and burst someone’s ear drums
You’ve ever been the sole cause for a mosh pit to disperse
You’ve ever bought two animal crackers that look like they’re having sex
You’ve ever dislocated your jaw replacing a fire alarm battery
Your autobiography can be written on a bar napkin
You’ve ever patched a hole in the wall with salt-water taffy
Your wedding dress was actually a pee stained bed sheet
You’ve ever pulled a hamstring in a game of musical deer stands
You’ve ever totaled your car in an abandoned parking lot
You’ve ever freshened your breath with Lysol
You’ve ever used hairspray as deodorant
You’ve ever engaged in foreplay on a bulldozer
You enjoy watching stray dogs have intercourse
You’ve ever made chili so hot that you could see the fabric of time
You’ve ever gone into a china shop and come out with the deed
You’ve ever dipped cheese in beer for a midnight snack
You’ve ever been so dumbfounded by a magic trick that you quit your job to figure it out
You’ve ever watered your lawn with your radiator leak
You’ve ever written in a buddy on the Presidential ballot
You heat your trailer with incense
You’ve ever shot skeet while going down the highway
You’ve ever grown a beard during a game of hide-and-go-seek
You live in a county where a woman was put to death because no one could figure out how she got that little wooden boat in that bottle
You’ve ever put a hound dog up in the freezer on the hope that you could get it cloned some day
You got on TV because you can play the banjo with a weed eater
You’ve ever lost a loved one during a game of Foosball
You own a pinball machine rather than a car
You’ve ever fallen asleep in overalls that were still hanging on the clothesline
You have an ecosystem under your toenail
You’ve ever popped a zit and couldn’t see to drive
You’ve ever held a barn dance that registered on the Richter scale
You’ve ever ate the sandwich out of an evidence bag
You’ve ever held a lawnmower for ransom
You’ve ever chipped a tooth while eating yogurt
You’ve ever tried to bribe a state trooper with a free 20 ounce Pepsi cap
You bought pantyhose from a convenience store to cover your face just before you robbed it
You’ve ever used a urinal cake as soap in the shower
You have a conspiracy theory about wind chimes
You own a CD that’s called “Belching Beethoven”
You’ve ever driven over 3000 miles to buy an “I Love NY” bumper sticker
You drink a shot of whiskey every time that you dot an I
You’ve ever gotten seasick watching a screensaver
You’ve ever taken your dog for a walk in a burlap sack slung over your shoulder
You’ve ever smiled at someone and had a tooth fall out
You’ve ever shaved with a cheese grater
You’ve ever had a relationship with a girl until she shut the blinds
Your high school mascot was a dead janitor
You’ve ever made a potato gun that violates an ICBM treaty
Your mouse pad is your 4 year old standing completely still with his knees locked
You’ve ever gone skiing and had to be revived three separate times
You’ve ever had a fist fight with the man in the moon
You use the same thermometer to check your turkey and your baby
You’ve ever had to get drunk to pass a Breathalyzer
You have to say your ABC’s every time you start your car
You’ve ever tried to enlist at Old Navy
You’ve ever eaten a scoop of ice cream after dropping it in the cat litter
You’ve ever drawn a road map on a piece of bread
You’ve ever had to weed your dental work
You have permanent wild onion breath because of your diet
You got your name put in the local paper because of your subwoofer
You’ve ever followed a grocery bag caught in an updraft back home
You’ve ever been so drunk you tried to pick up a girl on TV
You’ve ever ate a blowpop just so you could swallow the gum
You’ve ever tried to write your chickens down as dependents
Your AIM screen name is beltbucklewifebeater69
You’ve ever looked up Jabba The Hutt in the back of a history book
You’ve ever gone to a job interview in an airbrushed T-shirt
You’ve ever covered up a black eye with a peach colored crayon
You’ve ever found a match for your kidney, but had to play that person a hand of 5-card draw for it
You’ve ever given 5 to 1 odds on the results of an ultrasound
You’ve ever thrown horseshoes back and forth at your cars’ hood ornaments
The only thing you could think or talk about on 9-11 was that wheat penny you found in your granddaddy’s overalls
You’ve ever dug up a grave when you needed new church clothes
You carpet pattern is raccoon feces
You’ve ever had your belt buckle pierced
You’ve ever followed a little league umpire home
You think the lower 48 stands for you and the other 47 people in your tax bracket
The color of your refrigerator is hidden by banana stickers
Your kid’s science fair project is on spaying cats with a 4-iron
You’ve ever chipped a tooth attempting to catch the garter at a wedding
You’ve ever poured antifreeze in your neighbor’s well simply because their grill is newer than yours
You’ve ever tried to beat a strobe light back into line
You are doing life without parole because of an April Fools joke
You’ve ever kept your kids out of school for a space shuttle launch
You’ve ever jumped off the wrong end of a high dive
You’ve ever pricked your finger when you didn’t have a pen or pencil handy
You’ve ever let your kids camp out in your satellite dish
You couldn’t care less about anything that goes on past the end of the dirt road you live on
You’ve ever gone beachcombing in order to make a mortgage payment
You’ve ever hit bone while shaving
You’ve ever shot your 22 at the men working on the cell phone tower behind your trailer
You’ve ever purchased a fake ID after turning 21
You’ve ever shattered a rib while trying to get to the phone before the answering machine
Your local police chief got his job because he pulled the high school mascot out of quicksand
You burned your wife’s china cabinet because you thought it put you at risk for SARS
You’ve ever got lost in your front yard
You make ends meet by allowing construction companies to dump metal in your little girl’s bedroom
You lost your first chest hair before your first tooth
You floss your teeth with extension cord
You’ve ever paper cut your kids for sassmouth
Your wind chimes are kittens tied to the ceiling with bells around their necks
You’ve ever backhanded a little old lady for rustling a bag of candy around in church
You’ve ever done a gravestone rubbing on the side of your son’s face
You’ve ever watched in wonder as copperhead bit your infant
You have a merit badge in snipe hunting
You’ve ever tied your shoelaces in a knot that put the Boy Scouts of America to shame
You’ve ever had your hand caught in between the left and right buttons of a mouse
You’ve ever beaten a dog unconscious with a watermelon rind
The most advanced piece of machinery in your home is the toenail clipper
You’ve ever raced go-carts for your sister’s hand
You’ve ever made emergency anniversary earrings for your wife out of fishing lures
You have to run your toaster to stay warm during winter
You’ve ever gone to Sunday School just to fart and make people laugh
You’ve ever run a temperature of 105 and still made time to watch the Dukes
You’ve ever sunbathed in a birdbath
You’ve ever ripped all of your chest hair out when you dropped a hell mary at a family reunion
You think DNA stands for Don’t Never Again
You've ever ordered out Chinese while you were trying to make up your mind about your order in the McDonalds drive thru
You’ve ever head-butted a hornet’s nest for 10 cents
You’ve ever ridden a riding lawnmower off a cliff in a concerted effort to win the America’s Funniest Home Videos grand prize
You’ve ever tried to help an old lady cross the street, but could only throw her halfway
You’ve ever punched a radio cleft in two when the song Sixteen Candles came on
You’ve ever gotten a carpet burn at church
You’ve ever written your phone number down for someone on the side of a turnip
You’ve ever spent a vacation guarding the sandcastle you made the first day
You’ve ever skinned a deer in bed
In order to go to sleep you count pit bulls mauling sheep
You’ve ever literally bet the farm on a cockfight
Your granddaddy’s headstone was carved out of the kidney stone that killed him
You’ve ever written a song about a poker game you were proud of
You’ve ever stuck your son’s hand in a wood chipper for chewing with his mouth closed
You’ve ever bought stock in a company simply because you liked the sound of its name
You’ve ever had a song stuck in your head so bad that you thought you were the person who wrote it
Your tackle box has depth charges in it
The best invention you could come up with to get out of debt was a solar powered rain catcher
You’ve ever had a foreign pen pal that could run circles around your English
You’ve ever busted out some teeth trying to get the correct Happy Meal Toy for your child
You’ve ever dynamited the sundial at town hall for making you late for work
You’ve ever set a wild cougar loose in an ice cream shop because you got the wrong flavor
You were born with a hangover
You’ve ever spit your gum in a largemouth bass, at the last second, in order to win the big fish prize at a local fishing tournament
You’ve ever waxed your car with cream cheese
You have a nickname for your glove compartment
You’ve ever attempted CPR on the corpse at a funeral
You’ve ever jumped off a Ferris wheel to impress a girl with five teeth
You come to high school football games just to point out genital-shaped formations in the marching band’s halftime show
You’ve ever done a line of shredded beef jerky
You ever burned your armpit hair off trying to use a scented candle as deodorant
You’ve ever thrown a handful of Viagra in your favorite fishing hole in hopes of something spectacular
You’ve ever written an excuse to get your kid out of school on a squirrel hide
You've ever copied your butt crack on a copying machine until it ran out of ink
You once snapped the arms of every members of your high school chess club because they were so different from you
Your landlord is also your tenant
You've ever gone tightrope walking in your living room
You can't remember what a skyscraper looks like
You've ever passed a test at the DMV out of pity
You’ve ever painted racing stripes on a turtle
You’ve ever removed the finish from a doorknob scratching your butt on it
You've ever pierced an ear with a rattlesnake tooth and a jackhammer
You can hitchhike without sticking out your thumb
You've ever gotten so drunk that you held a press conference to announce a new line of RV cup holders
You've ever run a transfer truck off a ravine because it wouldn’t blow its horn for your kids doing the elbow jerk thing at it
You've ever dropped a kitten over a scenic overlook just to see if it would land on its feet
You think poison oak is a good source of potassium
You've ever cut down a tree in your neighbor's yard because it blocked you from seeing their blender
You've ever flipped a police officer off just because you put a Bugle on your middle finger
You own a membership to a chaw of the month club
You enjoy the tangy flavor created by the backwash your uncle sometimes leaves in your soft drink
You've ever pickled cucumbers in your boots
Your lifelong dream is to be driving on a bridge when it collapses
You've ever tried to fish a disk out of your computer with spinner bait
You lost your girlfriend to a homeless gimp
You currently hold a 500 consecutive game losing streak at Monopoly
You’ve ever offended the offensive tailgaters in the infield at a NASCAR race
You’ve ever hotwired a remote control car
Your new trailer instantly burned down as soon as your pen touched the surface of the paper containing the text of the lease
You’ve ever shaved your armpits in a courtroom
You think rattlesnake bite will cure colic
You’ve ever drunk out of a spittoon for a nickel
You’ve ever harvested corn in the nude
You’ve ever filed a police description of a rabid animal that bit one of your children and used the term “well-hung”
You’ve ever been so drunk that you dropped off your mail in a box of playing cards in your sock drawer
You can make a crow call with your butt crack, goatskin, and a lot of butter beans
You bought a GPS in order to find your lost house keys
You think you’re a pimp because you set up a full-blooded blue tick with another of its kind
You’ve ever picked blackberries with a 15-ton tractor
You’ve ever carefully shaved a kitten and put a Cabbage Patch Doll head over it and tried to pass it off as a dependent for the tax collector
Your definition of making foreplay involves dusting the cockroaches off the bed first
You’ve ever siphoned prune juice out of an old sleeping woman’s jaw in order to feed your starving coondog puppies
You’ve ever let your blue tick hound sleep on your baby’s face because your great grandma told you it would cure the measles
You’ve ever mixed drinks at a baby shower
You’ve ever left a barnyard animal to cover for you at work and got fired because it did a better job
You replaced your wife’s lamp you broke with a plunger, a Frisbee, and a jar full of lightning bugs
You’ve ever rigged your own water line up from the creek through a network of snakeskins all tied together

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