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Redneck Jokes Page 3
Info: These redneck jokes are Billtvshow.com originals, not by Jeff Foxworthy. They are by Billtvshow.com staff members and additional contributors, using Jeff Foxworthy's joke style and any similarities with other redneck jokes by Jeff Foxworthy or anyone else is strictly a coincidence. Each mobile page for the redneck jokes contains 200 jokes.
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Jokes:
You might be a redneck if...
You’ve ever been so drunk that you ate a piece of corn on the cob and later realized, in the bathroom, that it was a Lego space shuttle
You’ve ever had to dislodge a spider egg sack from the corner of your eye because you got into one mean staring contest
You’ve ever put up belly button lint at the horse track
You’ve ever stood on a street corner and thrown raccoon feces at rich people
You asked for your tax refund to be paid in melon peels to feed your hogs
You have both the talent and marksmanship to defecate in a mailbox at 45 mph
You’ve ever wondered what it would be like to have a deer stand in the ivy at Wrigley Field
You’ve ever given a relative such a warm welcome that you painted them their own driving lane all the way from their house
You’ve ever engaged individuals in high speed chases simply because you got a police badge in your breakfast cereal
You’ve ever made a poverty banana split out of Jack Daniels, a sun-dried hot dog, and some cottage cheese
You repaint your house every day because you like the smell
You’ve ever kicked an occupied baby crib over into the fireplace because you were too lazy to go out and gather firewood
You’ve ever awoken with a hangover and found yourself spooning with a severely dented lawn gnome
You’ve ever carved your kids’ names into their foreheads because you were too lazy to learn them
You’ve ever tried to impress your drinking buddies by putting a casserole dish over your head and run headlong into the hot water heater
Your beer belly is genetic
You’ve ever choke slammed a little kid for following and shooting you all around the laser tag arena
You’ve ever lost your graduation tassel and replaced it with a handful of your daughter’s hair
You’ve ever given a hitchhiker your credit card number in exchange for some Spam
Your one-toothed, half-paralyzed granny doubles as a can opener and coat rack
You’ve ever found a mechanic’s nametag while combing out your gote
You’ve ever asked your boss for your paychecks to be rounded to the nearest thousand
You’ve ever picked an ear of corn right out from under the sofa cushion you were sitting on
You’ve ever sued yourself for something you did when you were drunk
Your mama’s left eye is so lazy she can see stuff that happened 3 weeks ago
You’ve ever run out of water and took a bath in lottery ticket stubs
You’ve ever asked for your steak to be cooked alive
Your fiancés’ engagement ring came out of a machine called The Claw
The window of opportunity for you to make anything of yourself was broken by kids playing baseball down the street
You’ve ever broken a Ming vase over your knee because it wasn’t made in the USA
Your girlfriend, your mama, and your grandma all have a schedule for who gets the dentures when
You’ve ever used a handful of cow manure as sunscreen
Your kidney stones were eventually skipped across a lake
Your will explicitly states that your ashes are to be thrown out of the window of a car at a demolition derby in an attempt to wreck another car
You have a deed to each of your tattoos
There’s a plunger in your outhouse
You’ve ever posted a No Trespassing Sign next to an item of merchandise you planned to buy at a later date
You roasted marshmallows instead of calling 911 when your neighbor’s house burned down
You’ve ever taken a restraining order out on your parole officer
You think Old Yeller is a porno movie
You’ve ever shot billiards with your grandma’s cane
Your flyswatter used to be a stop sign
You have a tab at the dollar store
You have a 5-pound bass hiding under the lily pads in your swimming pool
Your livestock barn was built out of legos
You’ve ever clipped your toenails during communion
You were born with a CB handle
You’ve ever practiced changing tires at a junkyard
The figurines atop your wedding cake were actually cigarette butts with smiley faces drawn on them
You carried your wife across the threshold of your new home atop a John Deere
You wear the tennis shoes that your dog drags into the yard
You’ve ever peed in a Mountain Dew bottle and put it back in the fridge
You’ve ever stood on a bridge and peed on a passing boat
You’ve ever dove hunted with a tazer gun
You have to scrape the kudzu off of your car every morning
You had to repeat after school
Your sofa cushions are actually cakes of cornbread
You’ve ever made a Beech Nut quesadilla
You glaze your Christmas ham with antifreeze
You’ve ever made ice cream in a Port-A-John
You’ve ever gotten gas for your lawn mower in an empty bottle of apple juice
You’ve ever used breath mint spray to inflate a flat tire
You’ve ever driven a car with 4 temporary spare tires on it
You’ve ever gotten fired for making rock quarry angels
Your bed sheets change the color of litmus paper substantially
You’ve ever made a belt out of duct tape
You have a picture of a dead hobo in your wallet
Your job is breeding Chia Pets
You’ve ever fallen off your roof and had your fall broken by a disassembled car engine
You met your soul mate in a wooden school bus rain shelter
You’ve ever short-circuited a breathalyzer
You’ve ever played Monopoly for keeps
You’ve ever broken open a highlighter to add color to lemonade
You’ve ever eaten the blobs out of a lava lamp as midnight snack
You’ve ever pulled a dog’s tail so hard its snout came out its butt
Your breath has ever been the inspiration for a Stephen King or Tom Clancy novel
You’ve ever flossed a tooth clean out of socket
You think people who don’t ever bold their fonts might be gay
You’ve ever bobbed for toenail clippings when hard times set in
You’ve ever French kissed the knot in a tree for practice
You have two glass eyes but still can claim 20-20 vision
You’ve ever taken a vacation to Sandwich Islands because you were hungry
You’ve ever volunteered to perform CPR during an emergency in order to score some bubble gum
You’ve ever done a wheelie while horseback riding
You’ve ever gotten rid of Japanese hornets nest with a shop vac
You think a dime bag involves snap pops
You’ve ever put a kid into storage
The hit counter on your website says –1
The homepage you made is located at www.myhomepageisthebestestinjonescounty.com
Your high school allowed firearms on premise
You wear a condom when you give blood
You’ve ever checked a person for doing more laps than you at the walking track
You are physically inferior to a man that had most of his limbs amputated off due to frostbite
You’ve ever made snow cream out of your frostbite
You’ve ever asked for a recount on the results of the civil war
You’ve ever affixed bayonets when you disagreed with a call at a little league soccer game
Your umbilical cord was cut by your eventual son
You’ve ever whittled your coondog’s teeth to make him look meaner
You’ve ever eaten rancid meat in order to take a legitimate sick day
You’ve ever gone over a waterfall in a burlap sack
You’ve ever guessed a letter that you made up while watching Wheel of Fortune
Your concept of karma involves fondue
You think solar eclipses are caused by the sun’s case of ADD
The flowers in your backyard have beer bellies
You collect memorabilia from a drag race that happened 30 years ago on prom night
You laugh out loud a sponsor a foreign kid commercials
You take out taxes on your kids’ allowances
Your Christmas bonus was paid in dead 9-volt batteries
You’ve ever eaten the bindings out a spiral notebook for no reason
Your hometown was named after a man who got drunk and did hip replacement surgery on himself back in 1887
You think cocker spaniels are illegal aliens
Your kids’ names were chosen at random from hot rod magazines
Your next of kin has hooves
You can’t spell anything beyond this sentence
Your idea of heaven in polishing your bass boat with your neighbor’s dead cat
You’ve ever gone grass sledding when you really needed to be foreclosing on your mortgage
You’ve ever been discouraged by a boom in the economy
You once had a teacher draw a picture of a kid being stabbed to death by hermits on an essay you wrote
You’ve ever had a working mirror tattooed on your back
Your front two teeth swivel like a saloon door
You’ve ever spooned with your girl at a carp pond
Your smile resembles a busted windowpane
You’ve ever done a stage dive at a piano recital
The captain of your high school football team was still the captain at your ten-year reunion
You’ve ever called sideways when flipping a coin for money
Your blood type comes in six packs
You’ve ever paid for a washing machine on a 50-year installment plan
Your credit report is stained with blood
You’ve ever rescued a kitten that was drowning in a jar of pickles in your fridge
You’ve ever tried to grow mixed nuts
You’ve ever asked a bar if they had Drano on tap
You’ve ever had to get stitches from a horsefly bite
You’ve ever read your kids The Stand as a bedtime story
You hold a lifelong belief that your Uncle Sadsack is the boogieman
You’ve ever rode a bike in an elevator
You’ve ever brandished your brass knuckles because some old geezer couldn’t do a wheelie in his hover chair
You’ve ever peeled an orange during sex
You’ve ever found a four-leaf clover in your toe jam
You’ve ever spit a watermelon seed through drywall
You’ve ever woke up with a crop circle shaved in your beard
You can see wavy lines when you breathe
You can tell the difference between college and wide rule when you wipe your butt
Your paperweight is a decomposing chicken
You’ve ever emailed a famous animal
You’re paying child support to yourself
You can’t turn the other cheek because you lost it in a hunting accident
You bankrupted Planters on a commuter flight from Montgomery to Birmingham
You’ve ever performed a circumcision with a can opener
You’ve ever played helicopter with a hospitalized kid by swinging him around by his catheter
You’ve ever opened up a scorpion petting zoo and made money off of it
You’ve ever set fire to your kid’s pup tent on Halloween night
You’ve ever set fire to your kid’s puppy on Halloween night
You think urethra is a famous black singer
You’ve ever been asked to sign autographs because of your coondog’s endowment
Your case of herpes emits mushroom clouds
The HEPA filter in your house has sucked in its fair share of songbirds
You’ve ever knocked a woman unconscious by snapping her bra
Your concept of the afterlife involves Johnny Cash beating the immortal crap out of Mark McGwire
You’ve ever high-fived one of those barbershop spinny thingies
You’ve ever tried to spread Christmas cheer with a crop duster
You’ve ever looked through a telescope at a comet and kicked a baby calf out of confusion
You’ve ever bought all the tickets in a 50/50 raffle
Your turn to feed the baby at 3am involves pouring hot apple cider in its eyes
Your comments to an umpire at a little league game resulted in pistols at dawn
Your child was suspended from school for substituting foreskin for four score when reciting The Emancipation Proclamation
You’ve ever given yourself a colonic with a shotgun cleaning rod
You’ve ever tried to paint some serious artwork, but ended up feeding all of the titanium white to a stray cat
You’ve ever watched The Mummy and tried to replicate Imhotep’s face in the sand trick in your mama’s rolls of fat
You’ve ever rolled over in bed and snuffed a kitten’s life out like a scented candle in a hurricane
You’ve ever rolled over in bed and started a lawnmower
You’ve ever shot off a roman candle in a plumber’s crack while he was fixing your faucet
You think Bagel Bites can harm you
You’ve ever claimed to have a 47th degree black belt in order to avoid a fight
You’ve ever gone on vacation under a bridge somewhere
You’ve ever put in a claim on your car insurance because someone ragged on the paint job
You burped “I Do” at your wedding, not the vow, but the song
You’ve ever been mentioned in a State of The Union Address regarding poverty
Your visit to the Smithsonian resulted in a new signature on The Constitution
You’ve ever taken a sick day to read Reader’s Digest
You busted out of prison in a hail of violent gunfire 3 minutes before you were to be released
You think George Jones is one of the apostles
Your barber only knows the mullet haircut
You’ve ever cleaned your toilet with a kitten duct taped to a yardstick
You carry more tools in your left hip pocket than Jeff Gordon’s pit crew
You think a 401K is an assault rifle
You’ve ever fallen asleep while giving birth
You’ve ever had a catfish come out in your bathwater
You’ve ever found a dead kitten in your tackle box
You’ve ever lost an eyebrow to a ceiling fan
You’ve ever brushed your teeth with a lucky rabbit’s foot
You’ve ever had the Heimlich maneuver performed on you to dislodge a CB mic
Your kids only recognize you with vertical lines in front of your face
You’ve ever slung a newborn puppy out a clay thrower
You can shuffle a deck of cards with your butt cheeks
Your shadow picks up more women than you do
You’ve ever lost a sibling in a tire swing accident
You’ve ever buttoned your wife’s top from the living room with a 45mm
You’ve ever asked for a refund on a newspaper

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