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Redneck Jokes Page 4
Info: These redneck jokes are Billtvshow.com originals, not by Jeff Foxworthy. They are by Billtvshow.com staff members and additional contributors, using Jeff Foxworthy's joke style and any similarities with other redneck jokes by Jeff Foxworthy or anyone else is strictly a coincidence. Each mobile page for the redneck jokes contains 200 jokes.
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Jokes:
You might be a redneck if...
You think Argentina is the color of your aunt
You cheer for the line judges at tennis matches
Reading Moby Dick made you believe the story of Jonah and the Whale
You’ve ever punched out at work a day in advance
You’ve ever spelled a word at a spelling bee in urine
You’ve ever demanded that the deacon pull your finger in exchange for release of the offertory plate
You’ve ever adopted a kid because you needed some butter churned
Your new summer diet is eating snow
You’ve ever used mace in a poker bluff
You’ve ever bought lingerie to jumpstart your beagle breeding
You’ve ever been rejected at Ticketmaster even when the show wasn’t sold out
You’ve ever left a beagle to babysit for you
You use a banana box as a babyseat
You’ve ever carved a Jack-O-Lantern out of a basketball
Your microwave works with the door open
Your underwear is roughly the same color as the Mexican flag
You’ve ever shaken hands with the Tidy Bowl Man
You’ve ever totaled a couch
You’ve ever jumped two school buses in a logging truck
You’ve ever mistaken your water bill for your paycheck
You’ve ever gotten a refund from Welfare
Your wife uses finger paint as makeup
You’ve ever opened a “Return To Sender” pipe bomb
You think the Pillsbury Dough Boy’s wife died from a yeast infection
You’ve ever cheated at hopscotch
You’ve ever ridden a bicycle without a seat
You’ve ever turned your stereo speakers up to 10, hit play, and had to use subtitles for the rest of your life
You attempted suicide because you got too far in debt in a game of Monopoly
You’ve ever lost a game of Tic-Tac-Toe against yourself
You’ve ever used a calculator during a game of 21
You think Colonel Sanders got killed at the Alamo
You think pigs in a blanket is the term for the annual police camp out
You’ve ever filmed an amateur porno in a photo booth
You’ve ever counterfeited money with a Polaroid camera
You’ve ever taped over your home video of JFK’s assassination with Ren & Stimpy
Your idea of a lawnmower is a dozen starving goats
You won money off the Kentucky Derby by betting on a pommel horse
You’ve ever tried to catch a Bald Eagle with a slingshot and lab mice dipped in antifreeze
You slept through your entire birthday so that you wouldn’t age
You’ve ever done Vodka shots for your kid’s Show and Tell day at school
You think jungle gyms are a really bad business venture
You’ve ever started sleepwalking while on a rollercoaster
You have a tab at a yard sale
You’ve ever gone out to Trick or Treat and your trick involved arson
You’ve ever sent your kids out to Trick or Treat as dark ninjas
You’ve ever put your kid’s new puppy in his birthday party piñata
You’ve ever demolished a little kid’s dreams just by saying you went to the same elementary school as him
You’ve ever fixed a mess of collard greens on your kid’s chest as a punishment
You’ve put your kid in solitary for badmouthing Spam
You’ve ever lost a loved one in a Sunday afternoon game of badminton
You’ve ever found a tattoo you didn’t know you had, but then realized it was a place you always miss while bathing
You’ve ever done a magic trick resulting in your older brother having never been born
You think a hard drive is going to church with your diarrhea-laden granny on the fritz
You’ve ever made fun of homeless people on a TV inside of the TV/VCR store you sleep next to
You’ve ever been pictured on a milk carton, a little league baseball card, and a gimp man’s tattoo all in the same year
You’ve ever done a cannonball into a pile of newborn kittens and called in natural selection
You’ve ever let a motherless copperhead suckle at your teat
You think snakes were put on this Earth to remind us that length isn’t everything
Your favorite part of hound dog childbirth is setting off firecrackers in the afterbirth
You once found what you thought to be a bottomless pit and dropped a penny down into it, only to realize it was your grandpappy’s windpipe
You’ve ever been so thirsty that you drank out of a zookeeper’s mop bucket
You received a grade of DOA in your CPR class
You run two miles a day on the propeller of a steamboat
You’ve ever done a swan dive off a bridge without checking to see if it was over water or not
You’ve ever hitchhiked at a go-cart track
You’ve ever gone sledding down a hill that sloped back up underneath where you started
You’ve ever looked up into the Winter Sky and hoped for Corn Flakes instead of snow flakes
You think margaritas is an island off the coast of Africa
The only porno website that you know of is two spiders that froze to death on your backporch while mating
You’ve ever hit the Page Down key on your keyboard in an attempt to flip over the “To Do” list lying on your desk
You’ve ever been flipping through channels and passed a syllable’s worth of Jeopardy and passed out
You’ve ever felt something welling up inside of you and came to find out it was your liver text messaging your AA counselor
You’ve ever committed involuntary manslaughter on a seesaw
You’ve ever heard your dentist ask his assistant for the revolver
You’ve ever played tetherball with a bunch of squirrels bound together
You’ve ever fallen out of a deer stand onto your sofa
You’ve ever filed the bare spot of a Christmas tree in with coondog feces
You’ve ever been walking down the street and had a church steeple fall over into your eye
You’ve ever been taking a bath and realized that if you added sugar it would be just like chocolate milk
Your family’s constant state of poverty has been proven genetic
You’ve ever threaded your grandfather’s attached IV cord into a weed eater and did some trim work
Your kids no longer ask “Are we there yet?” after the cell phone bitten in half incident
You think people driving down the road talking on their cell phone should be executed by the person they are talking to
You can’t help but look at Elton John and be reminded of that nerdy kid you blindsided permanently one breezy summer day back in high school
You’ve ever tried to gain attention by going over Niagara Falls in a sock puppet
Every time you look at the sunset you are reminded of the time your bald uncle had a heart attack while playing peek-a-boo with you
You’ve ever attempted to fix your narrow urethra with firecrackers
You’re so poor you can’t afford the Parmesan cheese your found in the drool of a sleeping homeless man
You used your newborn son as an umbrella while escorting his tired mother out of the hospital
You’ve ever hooked a vacuum bag up to someone’s IV as a prank
You thought you discovered a new Africa on a fishing trip
You thought the fountain of youth was located between lockers 300 and 301 at your old high school
You’ve ever prayed for a landslide to end your mortgage and/or child support payments
You’ve ever tried to watch a leaf turn color
You once thought you saw a cloud shaped like a tax auditor and later realized you were simply drunk at your appointment with one
You’ve ever fallen out of a tree and landed on the other side of your mind
You replaced all of your chess pieces with mini liquor bottles
You’ve ever tried to climb the tallest mountain you could find, but couldn’t find one
Your daddy’s casket was carved out of the bass boat that capsized on him
You change your baby’s diaper once a month because it says “Good up to 20 pounds”.
You’ve ever gone into a coma during a sermon
Your trailer park has rules on cannibalism
You tried to remake Deliverance in your backyard but kept getting drunk and breaking the banjos over each other’s armpits
You once erected a tent in order to wait in line for reduced lunch at school
You think Jack The Ripper is famous for farting
You’ve ever read your kids Jack and the Beanstalk and secretly wished that you could have some magic beans
You’ve ever cursed at the bubbly Michelin man thing on TV
You’ve ever looked at the AOL running man logo and realized you just crapped on yourself
You’ve ever climbed to the top of a pine tree in order to see down your mama’s shirt
You’ve ever inserted a comma into the word “I”
You’ve ever used a fire extinguisher to cut an umbilical cord
You’ve ever slipped an asthma inhaler in someone’s peanut butter and jelly sandwich
You’ve ever ridden in the bottom of a shopping cart after the age of thirty
Your kidney is sometimes mentioned in introductory college geology classes
You’ve ever written a song to your girlfriend entitled “I destroyed your hound dog, but I don’t care”.
You’ve ever had to use a toothpick to dislodge a writing spider from your jaw
You’ve ever replaced your TV remote with your boomerang talent
You’ve ever churned butter in order to mentally prepare yourself for surgery
You’ve ever gone into a military surplus store with a purpose
Your three year old can run down a squirrel on a tricycle
You’ve ever gone down into the Everglades in search of a plug in the wall air freshener
You’ve ever tried to make your boat appear to be spooning with another pontoon boat
You’ve ever looked at the back of a dollar bill and thought about going to Egypt
You’ve ever eaten a Happy Meal in a Port-A-John
You once picked a horse because you thought 100:1 odds meant there was a 100% chance it would win
You count your first kiss as that time you bumped heads with a cleaning lady in an elevator
You have to go to a support group in order to stop your habit of drawing hash marks above your bed as a measure of time
One of your guilty pleasures is drawing a little maze next to your name when endorsing a check
You’ve ever gotten a tattoo of a better birthmark on top of your old birthmark
You’ve ever burped your baby during a bungee jump
You’ve ever said, “There is no spoon” because no one would wash the dishes
Your job is diving in front of pit-crew members so that the chunks from spinning tires don’t hit their outfits
You got fired from your job at the dry cleaners for swimming in a pile of clothes
You’ve ever gone up for a 360 at half court
You once brought yourself to Show and Tell
You’ve ever fallen asleep while clicking a link on the Internet
You’ve ever tried to find a long lost relative on the Internet by typing in their name followed by .com
You once spent two days at the zoo trying to kill an elephant with a beebee gun
You joined the mile high club before the “Fasten Seat Belts” light even came on
You’ve ever rolled out of bed and stepped on half of a puppy as it was being born
You’ve ever downloaded a ring tone with a jug being blown in the background
Sparks fly out of your pocket every time your cellphone rings
Your cellphone antenna has tinfoil wrapped around it
You’ve ever fallen out of a helicopter and survived to tell the story to your coondog
You’ve ever gone skydiving with a homemade parachute in order to win a free trip through the salad bar at the steakhouse
You’ve ever had a nightmare at a steakhouse
You’ve ever been talking to someone and bit your tongue off by accident, but tried to act like it didn’t happen
You’ve ever thrown out your shoulder playing Candyland with your niece
You’ve ever kicked a homeless man in the throat just to see if the legends were true, but then realized you didn’t know of any legends
You think a serial killer is a gallon of spoiled milk
You see expiration dates as a dare
You’ve ever tried to sue the bible for plagiarism
You’ve ever done a line of magnetic dust
It’s entirely possible that you may cause the next human Dark Age
You’ve ever accidentally inhaled the graduation tassel hanging from your rear view mirror
Your cap and gown eventually ended up as Exhibit B at a trial
Your diploma was made out to: “To Whom It May Concern…”
You’ve ever held your breath until you saw an IV in your arm
You once lost a breathing under water contest to your late uncle Harold
You’ve ever dislocated your shoulder trying to open a jar of maraschino cherries
You’ve ever asked for a raise even though you didn’t know what it was
Your local volunteer fire department doesn’t have a phone line
Opening the door to your bedroom can result in death 1 out of 3 times
You tried to fix your granddaddy’s cataracts with a straight razor
You need a whole lot more than just your two front teeth for Christmas
You thought the song Silent Night was about the time you sprayed for crickets
You’ve ever tried to use reverse psychology while praying
You thought the rhyme said, “Leaves of three, good to eat” and the next thing you knew, you were eating soup through a tube
You have to pack your kids’ lunches in cigar boxes
You think the Panama Canal is a fancy dentistry technique
You’ve ever pulled a hamstring while reading the bible
You got fed up with gathering firewood and bought a CD burner
You think lacrosse is the French word for Jesus
You’ve ever gone surfing on a hand-carved pine surfboard and came home in a pine box
Your beer belly has its own gravity
You’ve ever tried to scramble eggs using your living room floor and some clever jimmying with the thermostat
You’ve ever broken into a car after it had been crushed into a cube
You’ve ever broken into a car during a demolition derby
You applied for a job at the DMV and lost your license because of the application responses
You tried to get out of debt by writing the script to a Pinocchio vs. The Tin Man horror movie
You think Zorro is the last letter of the alphabet
You cashed in your 401K so you could show that carny that it can be done
You’ve ever mistaken the hallway of a nursing home for a driving range
You’ve ever played spin the bottle at a family reunion
You disposed of your Christmas tree at the dining room table
You’ve ever gone alligator hunting with a paintball gun
You have a bedpan sitting underneath your computer desk
Instead of leaving cookies and milk on Christmas Eve, you leave Beechnut chewing tobacco and white lightning
You’ve ever tried to fake a shopping spree in order to feed your family
You once got on to Jeopardy, but fractured your wrist trying to spin the wheel
Your sister was your best man at your wedding
You’ve ever used your Domino Rally set to scratch an itch on your back
You’ve ever whittled yourself a working DVD player
You’ve ever delivered a kitten with a spoon and a pixie-stix straw
You’ve ever spent one of your honeymoons in a Graceland jail
One of the training requirements for new Disneyland ticket booth employees is to put a framed photo of you up on their nightstand
You’ve ever glazed a Christmas kitten for your coondogs
You’ve ever seen a portrait of JFK in your grandma’s spit bucket

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