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Redneck Jokes Page 5
Info: These redneck jokes are Billtvshow.com originals, not by Jeff Foxworthy. They are by Billtvshow.com staff members and additional contributors, using Jeff Foxworthy's joke style and any similarities with other redneck jokes by Jeff Foxworthy or anyone else is strictly a coincidence. Each mobile page for the redneck jokes contains 200 jokes.
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Jokes:
You might be a redneck if...
Your three worst habits are biting your toenails, chewing on Double-A batteries, and wiping your butt with photo album pages
You lost your childhood job as a caddy for falling asleep in a golf bag on a cold day
You’ve ever been married twice on the same day
You watch horror films for stress relief
You’ve ever had your deer stand stolen while you were sitting in it
The ring-bearer at your wedding was a pot-bellied pig
You think a dinghy is what you do off of the backporch when the neighbors aren’t home
One of the symbolic vows at your wedding was eating the matter out of each other’s eyes
You’ve ever brought a Game Boy to confessional
You consummated your marriage at the altar
You’ve ever rolled your own cigarettes using golf course grass and twenty-dollar bills
The only framed thing in your house is the eviction notice from your last house
You honest to God thought Lord of The Rings was based upon a real Civil War battle
You’ve ever answered your son’s foot when the phone rang
You’ve ever broken out into a sweat reading email
You’ve ever rolled out of a bunk bed in a furniture store show room
You’ve ever been singing karaoke and heard people blowing their horns at you out on the freeway
You didn’t have to buy milk at school until 7th grade because you were still being breastfed
You’ve ever installed a snooze button on your fire alarm
You once tried to make a real lightsaber, but just ended up painting a bunch of broomstick handles
You spank your kids so much you can see your reflection in the palm of your hand
You’ve ever unclogged your sink with a shotgun
You’ve ever opened a can of asparagus in the blender
You are addicted to sticks of margarine wrapped in edgeless wheat bread
Your contacts are colored flannel
You’ve ever tried to clone a turtle on a copying machine
Your favorite flavor of bubble gum is after all the flavor has been chewed out of it
Your voter registration form had coffee spilled on it and you are forced to vote Republicrat in each election
You’ve ever been accused of being a backseat driver on a 747
You’ve ever tried to ride a horse on a trampoline
You’ve ever sent in a mail in rebate, expecting to get the six-figure sum listed on the expiration date
You cheer for the announcers during the running of the bulls
The floor and engine of your car simultaneously fell out on the interstate and you went Flintstones on that mug
You did a line of mouse droppings for one of those new colored twenty-dollar bills
You’ve ever played with a gun in a hall of mirrors
You’ve ever played jacks with a rubber ball and a dozen black widows
Your shooter for marbles is actually last year’s blue winning entry for largest dung beetle ball in the state fair
You’ve ever robbed a bank and deposited the money all in the same visit
You’ve ever given enough blood to try all 31 of Baskin Robbin’s flavors in one day
You’ve ever tried out for a church softball team and got both cut and excommunicated
You once tried to teach your son to tie his shoes but you got lost in the briar patch along the bunny trail
You’ve ever turned red laughing at local news footage of a kid that got stung into a coma by killer bees
You’ve ever taken a vacation day in order to dial up to your internet connection
Your modem would have been obsolete during the time of Moses
Your kids have ever been screaming mercilessly for help from out in the yard and you just continued to sit there and scratch yourself with the good corner of a TV guide
You’ve ever put your kid in a playful headlock that resulted in brain surgery
You’ve ever slept through a tornado
You entered your kids in a beauty pageant and the judges gave them imaginary number ratings
You think absolute numbers are how many shots of vodka you can drink in one sitting
You take two creams, two sugars, and two burnt Kleenexes in your morning coffee
You’ve ever picked your vacation destination because of the in-flight movies that were going to be shown on flights to those destinations
You use your computer printer to break open walnuts
Your grandfather met his maker in your attic because of that messed up spring in your Lazy boy
You’ve ever played hackysack with a goldfish
Your mousepad has a picture of Elvis fly-fishing on it
You think Lou Gehrig was the archbishop of Canterbury
Your son has a disease named after a professional baseball player’s dog
You once tried to do your own electrical work, but ended up following the light instead of fixing it
You once bought a parakeet, but it was decapitated 20 seconds after in crossed the threshold of your trailer
You’ve ever used driveway gravel as last second deodorant
You’ve ever sniffed highlighters so you wouldn’t know you were at your daughter’s piano recital
You’ve ever gotten on a roll that just had to be rye
You’ve ever fallen in love, but couldn’t get out of your shirt
Your idea of holy matrimony involves mattresses and moaning
You’ve ever hunted black bear with a sawed-off slingshot
Your dream in high school was to not have any more dreams
Your entry into a kite-making contest looked like a swastika giving birth to a spider monkey
Your favorite show on TV is “When Laser Eye Surgery Goes Wrong”
You thought “To Kill A Mockingbird” was a guide to hunting songbirds
You’ve ever fallen asleep in a nice grassy field and woke up inside of a haybale
Your will is written in bright purple, size 36, Comic Sans font
Your idea of a soulmate involves beating shoes together as hard and as quick as you can
You’ve ever stolen a road cone and used it to insert a suppository
You’ve ever tried to fix someone’s marriage problems with bottle rockets
You’ve ever tried to get rid your hemorrhoids with a sandblaster
You thought the pilgrims came over on the Flamethrower
You think that every time a bell rings a coondog gets the runs
You make your own shotgun shells out of thimbles, gasoline, and Nerds candy
You have a trophy for making pieces of artwork out of your armpit hair
You have a trophy with two mules mating on top of it
Your favorite waterfall is when your cousin Jimmy broke his neck on the high dive
You’ve ever taped your son to an 8-foot ladder in order to get him on a rollercoaster
You’ve ever found a frisbee, a nickel, and a dead softball coach while cleaning out your gutters
You’ve ever practiced 3 Stooges moves on an unsuspecting convenience store clerk
You’ve ever put a horse down because it was the only witness to you eating your toe jam
You’ve ever eaten a quote a day calendar in your sleep
You think a doublewide is too fancy for your kind
You’ve ever run your pickup out of gas on an old logging road trying to find the end of a rainbow
Your family’s roots can be traced back to some dude that hid in a barrel of apples on the Mayflower
You didn’t have a mother per say
You think the sun sets into a hole in the ground way over in Jones county
You’ve ever had to reluctantly tell the dentist that all the enamel missing from your teeth was from an experimental Lego toothbrush
The first time you saw your reflection in the water, you dove in to save him
Your church has a smoking section
You put out your birthday candles with a 12-gauge shotgun and your brother was sitting across the table
You’ve ever trimmed your nails in the coffee grinder at the grocery store
You’ve ever gotten one of your moles caught in a zipper
You’ve ever used earwax as chapstick
You’ve ever thumbed your way to the mailbox
You’ve ever opened a piñata with a 12-gauge
You said, “Long time, no see” to your manhood when you went on the Atkins diet
You’ve ever searched on a search engine for that search engine
You’ve ever tried to mimic Drop Zone in your deer stand
You’ve ever looked down into your alphabet soup and saw the phrase “He’s coming back tomorrow” and just kept on eating
You’ve ever notified the authorities of a solar eclipse
You’ve ever tried to pay off a bookie in sand dollars
You’ve ever blown your nose in a hermit crab
It’s a family tradition to hand pull a tooth during each solar eclipse
Your family traditions always involve cucumbers and air horns
You’ve ever put Triple-A players on your fantasy MLB team
You and your sister shave with the same razor
Your sister uses a feed sack as a sanitary napkin
You’ve ever used a sanitary napkin at the dinner table
You’ve ever delivered puppies in a pie pan
You’ve ever deer hunted out of a hang glider
You couldn’t afford wedding rings, so you just did a pinky swear instead
You’ve ever had an inner ear infection that spoke to you
You accelerate at school crossings
You’ve ever maxed out a credit card at a fireworks store
Your bass boat is an old bathtub and a weed eater
You’ve ever made dentures with pink play dough and off-white legos
You’ve ever brewed coffee from Copenhagen
You’ve ever ordered an escort for Sunday morning services
You’ve ever set off a bottle rocket with a joint
You played Marco Polo with the minister at your baptism
You’ve ever tried to shoplift at Taco Bell
You’ve ever been too drunk to watch fireworks
You’ve ever done cross training for a telethon
Your first AA meeting coincided with your first day of kindergarten
You have a pubic mullet
Your best friend drowned in a game of Battleship
You’ve ever shot pool with a 2x4
You’ve ever let a dog clean your contacts
You’ve ever had to pry a lawn gnome out of your tire well
You’ve ever French kissed a blue tick hound dog
You’ve ever eaten an orange creamsicle in 2 seconds
You’ve ever lost a finger trying to get your change back from a newspaper stand
You’ve ever wondered if Siamese twins get two social security checks
You played a speed bump in your high school’s production of Driving Miss Daisy
You’ve ever spayed a cat with a jellyfish
You have the ability to pee the first line of Emancipation Proclamation in a snowdrift
You’ve ever watched with wonder as your pack of beagles enveloped and devoured a mailman
You have a canker sore with a post office box
You’ve ever had a pet fish commit suicide
You’ve ever used algae as the base for a salad
You think Hamlet is a 6-inch ham sub
You’ve ever coughed up a gumdrop from Christmas 98
You can see a dead puppy from your bathroom window
You think Woodstock is the end you hold when shooting a shotgun
You’ve ever spent 2 hours watching 60 Minutes
You’ve ever sat in on some random court proceedings on your day off from work
Your family bible has cellophane on it
Your 9 month old is on Nicotrol
You think opossum is the other white meat
You’ve ever lost a limb trying to change a light bulb on a roller coaster
You’ve ever been in court with Mickey Mouse
You have more children than you do teeth
The sheriff told you to get ready for a cavity search and you opened your mouth
You’ve ever made a Budweiser and deer smoothie
Your doctor used a bowling ball for your breast implants
You’ve ever used a Roman candle to light a cigar
You’ve ever popped popcorn in your deer stand
You’ve ever fried up the bird out of a cuckoo clock for a midnight snack
You only grow one kind of herb in your herb garden
You’ve ever put a sanitary napkin on a bulldog
You won the Iditarod with a pack of coondogs and a rabbit on a fishing pole
You’ve ever filleted a fish on a table saw
You have a group of teeth that closely resemble Mount Rushmore
You think the Super Bowl is in Superman’s bathroom
You’ve ever made your own tattoo with a ballpoint pen and a hammer
You’ve ever picked up a 6-foot party sub on a bicycle
You’ve ever played pin the tail on the blind veteran
You’ve ever remodeled your camper while driving
Your momma has dollar days
You’ve ever made an underarm fart sound that actually smelled
You’ve ever got a job as a skyscraper window washer so you could say you’ve sat in on some important meetings in the big city
You forgot to turn on the headlights of your 4-wheeler during your grandma’s funeral procession
You’ve ever chummed in some swordfish using your sister’s underwear
You’ve ever come up with and made an issue of a magazine called Playbeagle for your own entertainment
You’ve ever changed a diaper on one of those theme park rides that spins you around so fast you stick to the walls
You’ve ever tried to hunt The Partridge Family
You’ve ever parachuted out of a deer stand
You’ve ever had to take your hound dog to the vet because you tried to play Blue’s Clues with lead-based paint
You’ve ever used a line from Blue’s Clues as a pick up line at a titty bar
You’ve ever shot a songbird for not knowing any of the lyrics to the songs it was singing
You once raised your hand in class and had it taken off by a malfunctioning ceiling fan
You’ve ever practiced your headbutt in the mirror
The best thing you ever got for Christmas growing up was not getting another backhand for sassback
You are at the bottom of every multi-level marketing pyramid
Your mama had to pick splinters out of your butt every day when you came home from grade school
You thought the King of England was Wimbeldon I
You’ve ever been so desperate to swim that you did a cannonball into a muddy footprint filled with urine
You’ve ever been asked by management to not look around in their jewelry store
Your job is polishing the parts of mannequins that are covered by clothes
You’ve ever been electrocuted for a demonstration at a CPR class
You think whipped cream comes from Indiana Jones’ cows
Your smile has ever been described a piano without the white keys
Your hopes of becoming the next American Idol were dashed in a hall of mirrors explosion

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