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Redneck Jokes Page 6
Info: These redneck jokes are Billtvshow.com originals, not by Jeff Foxworthy. They are by Billtvshow.com staff members and additional contributors, using Jeff Foxworthy's joke style and any similarities with other redneck jokes by Jeff Foxworthy or anyone else is strictly a coincidence. Each mobile page for the redneck jokes contains 200 jokes.
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Jokes:
You might be a redneck if...
You’ve ever put a hole in a Monopoly board trying to dig your way out of jail
You’ve ever stolen bowling shoes in order to do the moonwalk on your new kitchen floor
You were born in a bowling alley and laid in the ball holder until your mama and daddy finished their game
You’ve ever played Russian roulette with a single barrel shotgun
You’ve ever been on a reality show starring a black lab
You’ve ever shot at clay targets while sitting in the bathtub
You’ve ever left home without it and ended up washing dishes in a fish camp on Dusty Bumpkin Road
You’ve ever gone fly fishing in a mudpuddle
You’ve ever tried to unclog the toilet by throwing a can of creamed corn at the poop
You’ve ever lost a leg giving yourself a pedicure at the car wash
You think low interest rates means people aren’t paying as much attention anymore
You’ve ever gotten your balls caught in a DVD player
You’ve ever clipped a newspaper article about the anniversary of cornbread
You’ve ever taken a nap in a circular display of Sunday dresses at Wal-Mart
You’ve ever broken everything above your collarbone because your dyslexia showed up in full force the first time you ever got on a treadmill
You watched your grandfather float away into the sunset after you switched his oxygen tank with a helium tank
You’ve ever stirred your morning coffee with your driver’s license
You’ve ever invented a contraceptive called Vagynamite
You thought an enema was just another awards show
You gave your girlfriend a bracelet made out of a chicken’s spinal cord
You’ve ever used compass during sex
You’ve ever wiped your butt with a chihuahua
You’ve ever lit a nicotine inhaler
You’ve ever played badminton with the dead robin your kids found in the gutter
You’ve ever cleaned a loaded gun
Your nephew has a large growth on his scalp that makes him look like a Lego man
Your only discernable talent is breathing on windows and writing curse words with your ankle
You’ve ever hooked someone’s IV into a vacuum cleaner bag
You’ve ever bought season tickets to pie eating contest
Your opponent said, “Checkmate” and you looked around for your wife
You own a stuffed grandparent
You’ve ever gambled with your offertory money
You’ve ever eaten a scratch and sniff sticker
You’ve ever argued about the meaning of life with your pet cockatoo
You’ve ever tried to shoot your camel toe out of a slingshot, but just ended up putting a big blue welt on your balls
You sold your Winnebago in order to make the next payment on your golf cart
You bought a golf cart in order to jump-start your pickup
You’ve ever had a sexual fantasy during choir practice
You’ve ever performed CPR on an alligator that was just sleeping
You’ve ever tried to come to a compromise with a rabid raccoon
You can hock a loogie as far as you can throw a softball
You totaled your jeep when you decided to start adjusting for wind in curves
You’ve ever complained of poor service at a self-serve gas station
You can’t remember the last time you shaved with something other than a shard of your broken bathroom mirror
Your career as a supermodel was sidetracked by a coffee pot explosion
You’ve ever taken a dump on your neighbor’s car and tried to blame it on George Clooney
You’ve ever shattered your forearm in a game of whack-a-mole
You’ve ever ordered a pizza at Chuck-e-Cheese and asked for game tokens as the topping
You thought Enron was a gay porno movie
You’ve ever tried to sign a check with the magnifying glass in the sun trick
You’ve ever had a wet daydream
You’ve ever had flashbacks after watching Saving Private Ryan
You can’t explain why your TV is messed up, but you sure can beat the heck out of it with a softball bat
You’ve ever tried to pull a tooth with a garage door
You think women sit down to urinate because they are lazy
You’ve ever tried to sneak up on someone on the interstate
You lost your best friend when he dressed up as Frogger for Halloween
You lost a good friend in a game of I-95 “Mother May I?”
You’ve ever claimed to have a double-jointed eyelid
You got scared one day because you suddenly couldn’t feel your toes, but then realized you had once again forgotten that they were cut off in a farming accident
You’ve ever tried to ride a pogo stick and a motorcycle at the same time
You’ve ever been so drunk that you tried to fax a hamster
Your wife has ever had to pull you away from a cuss fight with a mirror
You’ve ever bounced a check at an adult bookstore
You’ve ever made a raft out of paper towel rolls
You have a bachelor’s degree in carnival engineering
You’ve ever gone water skiing while being pulled by a motorcycle
You’ve ever asked for a raise at your boss’ wife’s funeral
You’ve ever gotten a divorce on your lunch break
You take notes during the Flintstones
You’ve ever used a condom as a trash bag
You killed a groundhog because you forgot to punch holes in the lid
You’ve ever laminated a ferret
You’ve ever installed a satellite dish on a kayak
You’ve ever built a garage onto your houseboat
You’ve ever backed over one of your prize coondogs and used it as opportunity to change a tire
You’ve ever used a dead relative as fertilizer to grow maters
You’ve ever gotten beat to an inch of your life by a mannequin
You’ve ever taken Aspirin as suppository because you didn’t have anything to drink
You’ve ever robbed a bank with a weed eater
You got fired from your job at the quarry for stealing slingshot ammo
You got set up on a blind date with your mom and ended up scoring
You’ve ever hydroplaned through a bank drive thru
You’ve ever smoked a Tootsie Roll
You’ve ever used a flyswatter on a lover before sex
You’ve ever cut a line of coke on your infant’s high chair tray
You’ve ever snorted cocaine through a rolled up food stamp
You’ve ever spent your WIC check at a titty bar
You’ve ever forced a poker chip into a payphone
You’ve ever dressed up as herpes for Halloween
You’ve ever played “I Spy” with a blind man
You do one mean impression of a carpet sample
You think milkshakes come from San Andreas cattle
You think Cotton Eye Joe is a lullaby
You’ve ever gone steady with something that wore a collar
You’ve ever lost a game of darts to a blind man
Your life flashed before your eyes and you saw nothing but beer, titties, and the thimble playing piece from Monopoly
You’ve ever taken a bath in a broken pinball machine
You’ve ever tried to kill a housefly with a sandblaster
You’ve ever popped a whitehead with a lawnmower
Bubble gum gives you gas
You think marijuana is legal because you can buy it from most of your relatives
You’ve ever replaced a fan belt with a dog collar
You’ve ever spent an hour of your life putting doughnuts and doughnut holes back together
You’ve ever held a skill saw race our your bass boat
You think decaffeinated is the term for a cow abortion
You’ve ever mixed concrete in a baby carriage, but something was keeping you from stirring it smoothly
You negotiated the prenuptial agreement between your nephew and his hound dog
The sound of you urinating sounds like bottle rockets taking off
You’ve ever put over 100,000 miles on a 4-wheeler
You’ve ever played Jenga with a brick chimney
Your wife has a handlebar mustache
You’ve ever participated in a drag race on a ferry
You’ve ever forgotten how to eat a popsicle
You’ve ever engaged in foreplay in a booth at the Waffle House
You’ve ever worn a rally cap to a funeral
Your breath has ever given someone a buzz
You used latex hospital gloves as balloons at your wedding
You think a latex hospital glove is a five pack of condoms
You’ve ever used a screwdriver to dig up your septic tank
There is no line to your septic tank
You tried to scare your infant away from the electrical outlets by drawing bunny faces on them
You’ve ever built a clubhouse in a mulch pile
You’ve ever tried to do chin-ups on a stop sign
You’ve ever dislocated your torso while trying to open a jar of pickles
You’ve ever been arrested for reenacting the final scene from the original Planet of The Apes while on the Staten Island Ferry
You’ve ever beaten yourself toothless with a monkey wrench in a an attempt to get the tooth fairy to take care of your water bill
You got lost in another state during your road test at the DMV
You’ve ever driven 30 miles out of the way for a one-cent per gallon discount on unleaded
Your left arm was blown off in Nam, but you were later able to buy it back at a military surplus store
Your living room curtains have pornographic scenes involving Disney characters on them
The punishment in your house for sassback is having a cricket taped to your left ear for a week
You’ve ever stepped on someone’s shadow and said, “Excuse me sir”
You’ve ever lost a thumb-wrestling match to a hound dog
You’ve ever popped out a hernia while trying to figure out how to thumb wrestle against yourself
You’ve ever slept on a footstool
You’ve ever tried to slit a Jack-o-lantern’s throat, but kept hitting a brick wall
You’ve ever gotten kicked out of a town painted on a mural
You’ve ever mistaken a rattlesnake for a Chinese finger trap
You’ve ever taped a twenty-dollar bill to a postcard
You’ve ever been counting the tiles on your bedroom ceiling and noticed a new patch of sky you hadn’t seen before
You have a tattoo on your arm that shows a naked rodeo clown riding a tortoise around on a beach
You’ve ever switched the baseball with a white lab rat during a ballgame
You’ve ever done a cannonball at the Grand Canyon
You think IcyHot is created by witchcraft
You’ve ever turned the car radio over to Paul Harvey and woke up in the Wal-Mart sporting goods section
You have your coondog’s name tattooed on your butt cheek
The bags under your eyes could be used in a third grade sack race
You’ve ever smoked chewing tobacco rolled up in notebook paper
You’ve ever tried to play a dirt dobber nest like a harmonica
You’ve ever put your grandma’s insulin back on the shelf in order to go through the express checkout lane at the grocery store
You once broke your shoulder trying to play ping-pong with a medicine ball
Your internet provider keeps his servers in dog houses behind his singlewide
You’ve ever kicked a noisy dog through a basketball hoop
You’ve ever taped your face to Wheaties box and took it with you to a job interview
You’ve ever sowed 15 acres of farmland with creamed corn
You never could get your parents’ names right because there were so many of them
You had 7 kids with the girl you said you wouldn’t kiss if she were the last woman on earth
You’ve ever jerked an udder off while milking a cow
You’ve ever phoned into a televangelist’s show to discuss the theological implications of clear stick deodorant
You and a friend have ever had a race to see who could max out a Discover card first
You once thought your wife had bought you new bedroom slippers, but then realized your feet had just slipped up under a couple of rips in the shag carpet
You’ve ever claimed to be good at dice
You’ve ever made a playbook for use during Rock Paper Scissors
You’ve ever had to see an ophthalmologist after a game of I-Spy
You’ve ever had psychosomatic amnesia
You met your wife at a sperm bank
You lost your job as the guy who paints lines in the road because you made a 90-degree left turn in the middle of a straightaway
The only two items that are ever on your grocery list are peanut butter and Q-tips
You’ve ever been arrested because you tried to drive to a vacation destination as the crow flies
You’ve ever washed the dishes with a bologna sandwich
You’ve ever coated a keyboard space bar in chocolate and then had to explain it to detectives three days later
You’ve ever performed CPR on a bullfrog like you would a human
Your daddy’s last words were, “Son, would you run down to the store and pick up some whole milk and a fifth of jack?”
You were named after the first word that was spoken on the TV after you were born
You’ve ever used a fuel dispenser nozzle as an ashtray
You have names for the gnats that swarm your trash
You’ve ever used a fuel dispenser nozzle as a bottle rocket gun
You’ve ever called the five-second rule on some chaw you found at the flea market
You’ve ever been so far behind on bills that the county cut off the creek behind your house
You’ve ever acted as a translator at a cockfight
You’ve ever bought a puppy as a Christmas gift, put it in a box, poked holes in the box, and then wrapped the box
Petting your pet typically results in a trip to the emergency room
You’ve ever played spin the suppository
You’ve ever fallen off a cliff and learned how to walk again all in a single night’s dream
You grow tumbleweed in your garden
You’ve ever taken a swing at a state trooper while still buckled in your seatbelt
You’ve ever misspelled ever word in a love letter
You’ve ever checked your oil with your ponytail
You’ve ever successfully removed all of your freckles with sandpaper
You’ve ever gotten vast amounts of skin tangled up a can opener because you did it wrong
Your wife has ever intentionally given birth to push her self up off the couch
You’ve ever made a significant mistake while speeding down an old mountainside logging road
Your life situation is classified as “run of the mill” by the IRS
Your son has ever been sent home from school for taking a dump in his cubbyhole
You’ve ever turned someone’s frown upside down with a 12 guage
You’ve ever watched your uncle play spin the bottle for hours and hours with your seven little sisters

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