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Redneck Jokes Page 7
Info: These redneck jokes are Billtvshow.com originals, not by Jeff Foxworthy. They are by Billtvshow.com staff members and additional contributors, using Jeff Foxworthy's joke style and any similarities with other redneck jokes by Jeff Foxworthy or anyone else is strictly a coincidence. Each mobile page for the redneck jokes contains 200 jokes.
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Jokes:
You might be a redneck if...
You’ve ever dropped your 7-year old down a manhole with a toothbrush to unclog a blockage
You’ve ever farted and seen guys in white containment suits following you just moments later
You’ve ever gone on a nuclear power plant tour and pushed your friend in the reactor core as a joke
You were banned from Winn Dixie for trying to perform a free cat scan on the laser price scanner
You buy neapolitan ice cream for one flavor
You’ve ever lost control of a rocking chair and killed a pet
You’ve ever fed your parakeet beer and corn nuts
You can gleet have the length of a football field
Your childhood tree house had yellow police tape around it more than once
One of your funeral requests is to have YMCA played on the bagpipes
Your front porch has ever collapsed and killed an ecosystem
You’ve ever tried to find someone’s house using a map of the US printed on a child’s placemat
You’ve ever cracked an umbilical cord like a bullwhip
You’ve ever spent two consecutive days of your life in a tangled up hammock
You’ve ever done body shots on a pot-bellied pig
You’ve ever thrown your paycheck in a wishing well
You’ve ever tried to paint a room with melted crayons and a vacuum cleaner turned on reverse
You received over 35,000 spam emails within 24 hours of signing up for your first email account
You lost your best friend when he ignored the “Do Not Touch” signs at the Museum of Loaded Guns
You’ve ever flipped a light switch with an untalented roundhouse
You’ve ever cleaned out your office with a leafblower
Your short lived stint as an unlicensed chiropractor involved having patients jump backwards off of a trampoline onto a haybale
You’ve ever gone to a chiropractor who used a crowbar during spinal adjustments
You’ve ever thrown out the first pitch at a baseball game despite the security officers that were tackling you
Your least favorite color is cinder block gray because that is all you see all day
You’ve ever been kicked out of a brothel for trying too hard
Your mom’s chicken and dumplings are infamous because she uses horse instead of chicken
You’ve ever tried to jump a river named after a state on horseback
Your claim to fame is having a callous on your hand that allows you to high five a fully operational charcoal grill
You’ve ever had both of your eyelids simultaneously caught on barbed wire
You’ve ever used peanut butter spread on reading glasses as welding glasses
You’ve ever stopped up your septic tank with dead goldfish
You’ve ever put a goldfish in a water balloon
You’ve ever tried to eat a honey baked ham like a snake eats a rat
You’ve ever smoked a joint in the back of a courtroom
You’ve ever gotten a parrot too drunk to sit on its perch
The only thing your parrot knows how to say is “We know you’re in there!”
You’ve ever gotten a ticket for carrying a concealed slingshot
You sleep with a bow and arrow under your pillow
You’ve ever interrupted a sermon with an orgasm
You think a goatee is a newborn goat
You’ve ever played hackysack with a stillborn puppy
You’ve ever made your kid a paper hat out of a Playboy centerfold
You don’t observe daylight savings time
You’ve ever administered a wedgie that resulted in a trip to the emergency room
Showering in your family is a fad
You’ve ever gotten a DUI on a hang glider
You’ve ever spent an entire paycheck cow tipping
You’ve ever melted a clothes hamper in the drying machine
You’ve ever washed a deer head in the washing machine
You’ve ever killed a litter of kittens by trying to clean the afterbirth off of them in the dishwasher
You’ve ever locked your keys in your car and couldn’t get inside to shut the sunroof when it started raining
You’ve ever tried to erase your name off a guardrail with your car’s bumper
You think an abandoned chimney in a field is the headstone for a dead giraffe
You see road signs as a challenge to your masculinity
The custody of your children has ever depended on a game of high card-low card
You got divorced due to a fight over the lyrics to Sweet Home Alabama
You’ve ever been told you were adopted as a birthday present
You’ve ever engaged in a thumb wrestling match during the prayer at dinner
Your wife has ever put on her makeup on the way to work in the rear view mirror of her moped
You’ve ever put your paycheck in the dollar slot of a vending machine
You’ve ever OD’ed on Pop Rocks
You’ve ever had to declare bankruptcy because you spent too much money on chicken salad for a BBQ you held
You’ve ever played limbo under the barrier bars that block traffic at a railroad crossing
You drink milk recreationally
You make a living as a competitive eater specializing in spark plugs
You have an old-timey cash register sitting in your living room that contains the remains of ever hamster you’ve ever owned
You have EMT’s on hand at your family reunion
You’ve ever given a visible hickey to a squirrel
You’ve ever become paralyzed from the waist down as the result of an extremely hard swing at a piñata
You’ve ever thrown a kid through 2 inch drywall in order to win a game of musical chairs
You’ve ever thrown your infant up in the air to knock down a foul ball at a baseball game
You can’t figure out what movie was on the movie poster on your bedroom wall due to the amount of bodily fluids on it
You were setting off firecrackers in the grassy knoll at the exact moment that Kennedy got shot
You’ve ever shot your dog while trying to break it of its “gun shy”
You’ve ever blown a circuit breaker using sex toys
You stutter while sending morse code
You’ve ever called a sex hotline in your sleep
You’ve ever broken into a house and the only thing you took was a shower
You’ve ever paid for an extended service plan on a pack of firecrackers
Your credit score is lower than your cholesterol
You once had a friend who faked committing suicide for April Fool’s, but messed up the “faked” part
You’ve ever swung your fist to hit the snooze button on your alarm clock, but swung to the wrong side and busted several of your wife’s teeth out
You’ve ever won a heated auction for an expired Christmas ham
You’ever skipped a bare DVD across the parking lot surface and into the return box at the video store
When you watch American Idol you talk more about how you want to sexually assault the female contestants rather than how they sang
You’ve ever built a replica of the Eiffel Tower out of snuff sticks
You’ve ever remodeled a room of your house just to fit your new widescreen TV in it
You’ve ever drawn penetration on a lite brite
Your wife gave birth onto a tray on nachos because you wanted to finish watching the game
You’ve ever taken your kids to see Jenna Jameson On Ice
You've ever spiked the punch at a kindergarten graduation
The pages of your National Geographics that have naked native women on them are stuck together
You've ever put pantyhose over your head to keep mosquitoes from biting you and walked into the bank without remembering to take it off
You've ever put down a horse at a race, as a spectator
You’ve ever dislocated your shoulder and left it that way because it looked cool
Your 1200 pound mama had CPR performed on her with a land mine and a leafblower
You found your daddy’s class ring inside of your sister
Your daddy told you that snow was the ashes of people killed in a mid-air plane collision
You’ve ever stolen all the ropes and sandbags off of a hot air balloon you saw sitting in a field
You’ve ever received a letter from The Museum of Natural History stating that your personal species had been reclassified to Homo Inbredicus
Your bed springs’ squeaks sound like howler monkey sex
The first time you ever went in for a physical, you left with a handful of teeth
You’ve ever fallen out of an elephant, much to the surprise of an onlooking zookeeper
You’ve ever used a live squirrel as a wash cloth
You’ve ever busted the screens out of two old TV’s to make bunk beds for your kids
Your daddy taught you how to shave, but didn’t get to the part about shaving your face for weeks
You are allergic to freshness
You've ever dropped a bowling ball onto someone's head as they walked into a restaurant, as you once again took April fool's day too far
You’ve ever rolled a gutter ball with the bumpers up
You’ve ever had a strike 17 lanes over from your own
You had to get your wife help for coping with a loss when she kept a stillborn great dane in her cleavage for 3 weeks
You've ever been abducted by aliens because one of them decided to play devil's advocate about humanity's intelligence
You’ve ever found a fly in your soup at a restaurant and slapped it so hard that the cook got wet
You’ve ever lost significant amounts of flesh at the end of an escalator
You've ever given your child an entire bottle of Exlax before a visit to the fake Santa Claus at the mall (but never got to see your prank in action as he crapped his intestines out on the drive to the mall)
You’ve ever tucked your kid into bed so hard that the coroner couldn’t even perform an autopsy
You've ever been asked by the police "Why did you kill Mrs. Williams?" and you replied, "Because."
Your goal in golf is to shoot lower than your SAT scores, at which point you will be the best player in the world
You’ve ever snapped so hard that your middle finger became embedded in the fat pad of your hand
You've ever struck oil by shooting at a rabbit and then missing and hitting the ground, followed by selling your property, moving to Beverly Hills, and having crazy adventures involving your banker
You've ever been shaved too far out on the shaft and took off the tops of several critical veins
You've ever tried the age old movie trick of breathing underwater using a reed, but found out a limb off of an oak tree doesn’t work
Your mom wouldn’t buy you a Snicker’s bar at the grocery store and you threw a temper tantrum that scared the heck out of your wife and kids
You lost all 4 limbs after you dropped your i-pod in the shark tank at the state aquarium
You signed your five year old up for karate lessons so he could fight off the pack of wild dogs that ransacks your garbage every night
After years of training, G force tests, and weightless environments, you were able to call your friend and say, “You were right man, it’s not made of cheese.”
You’ve ever walked out of a convenience store with the jar full of pennies for leukemia, poured them on the train tracks, and pulled up a lawn chair
Your strategy at battleship is not putting your ships on the playing board in the first place
You scored negative points on one of those Hot or Not websites
You’ve ever tried to pass off a single collard green leaf as a twenty dollar bill at the grocery store
You tried to set the world record for eating pickles in a minute and although you failed, you were offered a job at the local gay bar
You once made an animal balloon by not doing anything at all to the balloon, but no one got the joke
You won a set of speech improvement tapes at an auction and gave them to the auctioneer
You set the world record for the most consecutive years working in an unlit, unventilated coal mine shaft without a mask on, but never got to see your name in the record book because you coughed blood up all over it
You’ve ever held hands with the person in the stall beside of you because you were convinced you were, instead, having a baby
You’ve ever run over a curb in order to miss a speed bump
You’ve ever cut a birthday cake with a machete
You can see Orion’s Belt while laying in bed
The exact duplicate of your family portrait is hanging on the wall at the post office
You’ve ever spent Sunday afternoon looking at your testicles under your son’s toy microscope
You’ve ever strained so hard in the bathroom that your skin was peeling a couple of days later
You’ve ever worn a kilt because you didn’t have any clean underwear
You hid your wife’s anniversary present in the shower and got away with it
You’ve ever shined a flashlight in the general direction of your dresser and saw three sets of eyes
You’ve ever held someone at gunpoint on a treadmill
You’ve ever looked out the window at work and saw smoke on the horizon and later came to find out it was caused by your mama getting trapped in her new tanning bed
You’ve ever been saved from drowning by a fart
You have multiple inmate wristbands hung as ornaments on your Christmas tree
You've ever dug out of county jail with a stainless steel dinner spoon during an overnight lock up
Your coonhound’s funeral charges cost more than the birth of your first child
You’ve ever played a game of truth or dare that resulted in the deaths of thousands
You stole and pickled your neighbor’s pet canaries after one of them bit your finger during a recent visit
You survived a nose diving plane crash when the pile of trash and chewing tobacco in front of you cushioned the impact
You’ve ever made change in the Salvation Army bucket
You've ever taken someone with Alzheimer’s to the zoo and told them the polar bears were actually bank tellers and it ended up winning the 10,000 prize on AFV
You eventually rubbed the skin off the side of your index finger after losing your toothbrush several months back
Your passenger side floorboard looks like a homeless man has been living there for the past three years
Upon regaining consciousness, you recalled having been very cold and lighting your truck's cup holder full of gasoline to warm yourself up
You’ve ever given a dead coondog a 21 beebee gun salute
You’ve ever used a gall stone to prop a door open
You’ve ever been given your pink slip in the form of paper airplane
You’ve ever had a psychosomatic out of body experience
You’ve ever scraped the tartar off your teeth and used it as paste for scrapbook photos
You’ve ever used a pitbull to remove stiches
You’ve ever removed all the tread from a new tire in a single burnout
You declined being an organ donor at the DMV because you had already promised your nephew he could take them in to Show & Tell
You’ve ever lost a pasture full of horses due to a Super Bowl bet
You’ve ever run someone off a bridge during a funeral procession
Everything on your mantle came from the landfill
You’ve ever irreversibly crippled a boy scout for measuring something in meters rather than yards
You’ve ever found a hornet nest in your closet while looking for a flannel shirt
You didn’t have milk in your house when you were a child, so your mama filled your baby bottle up with ranch dressing
You baptized your dog
You’ve ever pushed a hearse through a red light
You’ve ever done a burnout during a funeral procession
You’ve ever held your baby’s head down in a bowling ball polisher
You had to hold a financial officer at gunpoint to get the rebel flag as the background on your Visa check card
You ever blush around farm animals
Your blow up doll has four legs
You’ve ever been walking down the aisle in a wedding and spontaneously broke out into a military chant
Your goat sang at your wedding
You can tie a lasso in your sleep
You had to have plastic surgery after the cake exchange at your wedding
You’ve ever cracked a 1-inch thick aquarium while trying to get a fish’s attention
You’ve ever flipped and totaled your car and took the opportunity to program the stations into your radio while waiting for the jaws of life to arrive

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