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Redneck Jokes Page 8
Info: These redneck jokes are Billtvshow.com originals, not by Jeff Foxworthy. They are by Billtvshow.com staff members and additional contributors, using Jeff Foxworthy's joke style and any similarities with other redneck jokes by Jeff Foxworthy or anyone else is strictly a coincidence. Each mobile page for the redneck jokes contains 200 jokes.
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Jokes:
You might be a redneck if...
You've ever shattered your son's forearm while stuffing his shot at an arcade free throw game
You made the kids hit baby mice off of the tee at tee ball practice so they would develop a killer instinct at the plate
Your wedding tuxedo was John Deer green
You've ever made a dog house out of road signs
You've ever watched a Taco Ball employee violate your friend's 7 layer burrito, but you decided not tell him so you could get to your church league softball game on time
You've ever lost a 3.5" floppy in a roll of fat
You've ever gone window shopping while pushing a wheelbarrow full of bricks
You've ever had your living room furniture stolen, only to buy an exact replica of it on ebay, even down to the name "Jack" carved on the underside of the rocking chair
When you came out of your coma the last thing you remember was lying about having a steel plate in your head as you were being rolled into the MRI
You watched The Ring and promptly burned all your VHS cassettes and switched to City water
You've ever caught on fire but could only remember two of the instructions and looked like a burning dumbass trying to roll while standing
Your kid walked into kindergarten on his first day and several hundred silverfish came crawling out of his clothes, ruining his social life for all eternity
Your kid couldn't make friends in kindergarten because getting near him resulted in numerous chigger, tick, raccoon, and buzzard bites
Your cat suddenly found itself mummified after you watched Discovery Channel all night
You've ever pulled a stray cat apart with two tractors because you didn't have anything better to do after church
You've ever gotten so badly lost in a corn maze that they had to burn it down to find you
You took a test in third grade to see what you would be when you grew up and it specifically stated that you would put grease in the joints of an industrial grinder at the local grist mill
Someone showed you your house on Google Earth and you stabbed them in the heart with your car keys without even a second thought
You've ever lost a karaoke contest to a mime
You threw a theatre manager through a candy display case when your movie showed the disclaimer "No animals were harmed in the making of this film"
You've ever rolled a car off a fifty foot embankment just to verify its crash test rating
Your county still has a public meeting each month at which residents name witches and communists for hanging
You've ever pulled the cord on a parachute and saw your laundry go floating off into the troposphere
You've ever blown away most of your passenger door on the way home from the taxidermist
You've ever been so hungry that you ate the World War 2 rations your granddaddy left behind to you
You've ever generated a dingleberry larger than a little league baseball
You've ever entered a dingleberry in the fair even when they instructed you not to
You can't walk through any room in your house without having to kick headless Barbie dolls out of the way
You lost two good friends when you accidentally mixed up a bear trap with a whoopee cushion
The 55 gallon drums that your buddies tied to the back of your car at your wedding resulted in twelve deaths during the 3 mile drive to your honeymoon destination
You tried to imitate that guy in the "Astronaut Farmer" movie but just ended up tying 75,000 bottle rockets to a 55 gallon drum with a lawn chair in it
You filmed your own homemade episode of Man Vs. Wild where you ate most of a herd of antelope, much to the chagrin of a zoo owner
You have the 37th most popular channel on YouTube because all you do all day is film yourself feeding crystal meth to barnyard animals
You've ever borrowed the three prong adapter off of a life support cord that was in use
You've ever flipped a burn victim off of a stretcher so you could catch a big wave
You've ever snorted an apple barrel full of cocaine over Labor Day Weekend
Your childhood spelling bee championships were stripped from you when it was found out that you were using performance enhancing drugs
You've ever gotten drunk with a statue
Your wife has ever breastfed your child while laying in a tanning bed
You dumped water on your computer when a tech support guy told you to disable your firewall
The following letters are worn off of your keyboard: B E A S T I L Y
You've ever thrown firecrackers in a casket as it was being closed
You've put up an erotic tribute collage at a funeral
You've ever gotten whiplash from having sex with a farm animal
You've ever had constipation so bad that you opted to have a C-Section
You cancelled your vasectomy appointment after you let your kids use your genitals as enemies while playing with Transformers
You have a lifetime ban from NASA facilities after you successfully launched a sub-orbital spacecraft during a 15 minute tour of Cape Canaveral
You've ever pulled an eyelid clean off while tossing a salad
You went all in pre-flop with 2-7 off-suit during the first hand of the WSOP Main Event that you spent your life savings to enter
You've ever thrown a Frisbee so hard that you found thereafter that your right hand was capable of touching its own elbow
You've ever pole vaulted over a 60 foot prison wall without realizing the repercussions of the other side
You've ever put racing stripes and a spoiler on a condom
You've ever gotten wasted during a blood transfusion
You are the ringleader of an infamous underground gerbil fighting circuit
You've ever lost your job by adhering to a jinx all day
You've ever held a newborn rabbit over a flaming trash can in order to get a refund on a DVD at Best Buy
You did doughnuts on the green after your first career triple bogey
You've ever spent funeral arrangement funds on line dancing lessons
Your high school football team's reputation for immense speed is attributed to not being weighed down by teeth
You went on a diet based around eating sticks of butter, but it was not until the 8th quad bypass that you figured out something was wrong
You got an office job, but lost it when no one could pass your cubicle without getting a timberwolf bite
You've ever lost 28 years of perfect dental hygiene on one stubborn pistachio
You've ever taken critical bolts out of a rollercoaster as a vacation souvenir
Your little girl hosted a sleepover and you scared them by cutting her puppy's head off with a pair of garden shears
You've ever practiced anesthesia without a license or any idea of what you were doing
You've ever been too drunk to point at light
You wear 14 elastic underwear bands taped together rather than buying a new pair
Your wife bought tickets to the opera and you faked your death
Your favorite dessert is Moon Pies floating in singed Velveeta
You've never forwarded an email that didn't result in the termination of your employment
You've ever tested a homemade catapult on a full grown horse
You've ever tossed some solar panels up on your roof to make yourself look more progressive
You wrote your college thesis on how mayonnaise would end world hunger
Your love for archery resulted in multiple stomas for your pets
You've ever carried a suitcase full of disguises into church so you could get drunk during communion
You've ever held a funeral procession in a whitewater raft
You've ever had to talk to your child about being accepting of their imaginary friend's lifestyle choice
You no longer cook anything unless it has first been marinated in whiskey or bourbon
Mathematicians estimate that you've been fired from 1.1 jobs per day over the last 7 years
You've ever walked into a job interview and heard the interviewers whisper "It's him" to each other
You carry your lunch to work with you in the form of a 5 gallon bucket full of biscuits and gravy that you grab handfuls of throughout the week
You've ever had your life changed by a Glade Plug-In
You've ever given your Secret Santa recipient a litter of kittens
You've ever re-gifted a cougar
You've ever been called hardcore backwoods
The only thing you get through your satellite dish is porno and moonlight
You have calluses on your knees from changing flat tires
You think a vagina is a tropical fish
You've ever stuffed a pillow with belly button lint
You can lie in bed at night and actually hear the sound of rat heartbeats
You've ever given a horse the look
You've ever gotten so drunk that you rolled an infant halfway down a bowling alley lane
You had to look "tax refund" up in the dictionary when your accountant told you that you were getting one
You've ever tried to pick up a grand piano without bending your knees
You've ever talked a pizza delivery guy into joining your game of Russian roulette
You wasted your entire January figuring out that pistol whipping does not work in deer hunting
You've ever roadkilled an animal and treated it as the family pet until you were put on lithium tablets
You've ever used a piece of gum from under a theater seat as a tooth filling
You've ever started a lynch mob because you were lonely
You've ever frozen a condom instead of taking Viagra
Your legal name is Amoth Williamth because of your father's lisp and a smart ass Clerk of Courts
You've ever defeated Super Mario Bros. on an original NES with a kool aid ring around your mouth
You've ever thrown a pet through a coffee table because you couldn't get the email john@yahoo.com
You've ever been asked to say the alphabet backwards and you said "the alphabet backwards" and the officer shot your beagle to death
You've ever laughed so hard that you saw a guy in a light blue robe standing over you holding a couple of air hockey mallets
You were responsible for 75 posthumous purple hearts being awarded when you failed your basic training firearms exam
You wrote your phone number on the folded flag that you gave to a fallen soldier's wife at a funeral
You've ever crushed the family parakeet by slamming your bible shut when it shat upon a particularly meaningful verse
You ruined the ‘78 freshman mixer when you tapped a keg with C4 and killed Susie Baker
You've ever been throwing logs in a wood chipper and suddenly saw your child burst into tears as a cloud of blood and fur exited the other end
You've ever cut down a 200 year old oak tree with a pocket knife out of principle
You once froze your entire freezer and dropped the resulting cube off an overpass, ruining a family's trip to Disney World and everything thereafter
Sparks fly out of the back of your computer when a webpage is loading
Your cursing jar has enough in it to buy a small personal aircraft
You once thought you saw a baby seal experiencing stigmata, but then realized it was just being shot by some poachers in a passing motorboat
You've ever invested your life savings in a guy who invented a wrist hourglass
Your family stabs each other in the hand when you land on the other person's property in Monopoly
You once tried to pay a mechanic with Jaru play money and almost instantly found yourself bargaining for your life between a garage ceiling and 10 ton hydraulic jack
You've ever sent Toby Keith lyrics to a song about your hound dog's sexual exploits and he recorded it on his next album
You have more pictures of your prize corn husk dolls in your wallet than you do of your kids
You've ever adopted a child for the sole purpose of plowing your soy bean farm for a few months
You've ever bullwhipped a kitten into oblivion when it only managed to move you and your plow 7 feet
You've ever snored loud enough to break a marine's will
You were in a coma for 3 years until someone in the hallway used the words Dallas Cowboys, titties, and Andy Griffith all in the same sentence
You've ever lost the use of an eye to a falling leaf
You insist on continuing to use the toaster that was scientifically proven to have given your parents and grandparents terminal cancer just because it's a family heirloom
You've ever named one of your kids Junior Jr.
You've ever masturbated while watching pitbulls fights
You've ever burned your great-great-great grandfather's civil war musket just to keep warm
Your wife can sit down on a road cone without cracking a smile
You've ever pulled a tooth because it was too white
Your doctor asked you how your libido is and you told him you can't get satellite TV
Your gun rack in your pickup truck doesn't meet the clearance requirements of an interstate overpass
You've ever awoken to your wife playing with matchbox cars on her beer belly
One of your after church activities is going to WalMart and seeing who can get the highest score on the blood pressure machine
You have a DVD in your collection entitled Hunting Dog Orgies
You've ever walked in on your wife using a Dale Earnhardt Jr. action figure as a dildo
The sound of a coon dog baying makes your balls tingle
You've ever tried to cross the Atlantic in a 25 horsepower bass boat
You once put a soap dispenser label over a bottle of hydrocholoric acid, set it next to the sink, set up a hidden camera, and won 10,000 dollars
You wear a bracelet that says WWARRD: What Would A Rabid Raccoon Do?
You get all of your holiday decorations from the cemetery
You've ever had to explain to your kid why his stocking had a different name as police cars could be heard pulling up next door
You've ever looked up from a busted aquarium to see a news report showing a lumpy python under a day care jungle gym
You've ever dumped a bucket full of baby mice into a wood chipper just to see what would happen
You've ever given your kid a Tylenol for tuberculosis
You've ever made a first impression on someone that resulted in them questioning the existence of God
Your trailer park looks like a huge red dot on the child molester mapping website
Your computer has 64 megabytes of RAM, Windows 95, and a desktop completely covered by animated GIF's of midgets having sex
You've ever turned the overhead light off, put a black light under your computer desk, flipped the switch, and had to visit an optometrist bi-weekly for the rest of your life
You've ever covered a hand grenade pin in seeds, set it next to the bird feeder, and watched with childlike wonder from 100 yards away
You took your baby girl deer hunting with you the day after she first watched Bambi
You ruined your daughter's childhood by disproving the movie Dumbo via kidnapping and throwing an elephant off the side of the George Washington Bridge
You've ever hidden a hand gun in the spinning mobile above your baby's crib
You've ever put a habanero pepper in your infant's mashed peas and carrots purely out of curiosity
You once bought 32 goldfish from Wal Mart on a whim, but never even took them out of your back floorboard
You've ever literally mashed your child's mouth with a potato masher after sassback
You've ever been raped by a gorilla, but later had no regrets
You've ever knocked on a hotel wall to tell your neighbors to keep going because you weren't finished yet
You've ever played a simple prank on your mailman that resulted in him being trapped in a hole in your yard for a half a month
You put off digging a root cellar until the scanner said a tornado had just touched down a mile from you house
You've ever shot at Christmas lights in the shape of a deer
You ever smashed a dobrow over the pulpit after your southern Christian rock band brought down the house
You've ever donated the money for a new stain glass window for the church, with the stipulation that it must depict Willie Nelson stabbing Satan to death with a guitar-sword weapon thing
You've ever tried to help pay for your uncle's lung cancer chemo by having him cough on a canvas and selling the resulting artwork
You're the guy who makes all the other dots on the child molester map not even matter
You won the "Most Unique" award in your AA class because you were the only one there solely because of Mint Julips
The yearbook team created a humiliating superlative just for you: Most Likely To Die From Accidentally Consuming The Spoon From A Buffet Tray
You once threw the Guitar Hero demo guitar over 150 yards across a Best Buy
You've ever played the Christmas Shoes song in an abortion clinic waiting room
You've ever bet the right to bust your teeth out with a sledgehammer in a small poker game with friends
You've ever sung so hard at karaoke that you dislocated your collar bone
You've ever snuck into a plane, switched a parachute for a backpack full of silverware, and never once second guessed yourself until the sentencing
You think Bluetooth is a disease that hound dogs get
Your dog's gums are cut all to hell because you're too lazy to buy a can opener and too dumb to buy dog food in a bag
You can pop a blackhead and shoot the pus through a piece of saran wrap 5 feet away
You've ever dropped a cigarette butt in a homeless man's stoma because you thought he was just an artistic ash tray someone had sculpted
You're only one stamp away from filling up your frequent bail bondsman card
Your dissatisfaction with the state's auto emission control program caused you to make it your lifetime goal to create a trampoline sized hole in the ozone layer
You've ever spent an entire afternoon laying in a hammock emptying 18 cans of hairspray off into the atmosphere
You found yourself taking a Braille class soon after someone gave you a book of Magic Eye puzzles for your birthday
You've ever skipped work to run through a sprinkler all day
You've ever gone full speed down a slip and slide, over the edge of the roof, and landed on the staircase leading down to the basement
You've ever lost a genital while going down a slide at the water park
You've ever started a campfire by throwing a stick of dynamite into a wheatfield
Your Christmas card photo showed you punching an Indian in the mouth with a talking balloon that said "Git R Done"
You've ever had to explain to your wife on your wedding night why you didn't have one due to a goat bite when you were seven
Your childhood game of hiding a pitchfork in a pile of hay and jumping on it ended quickly because you played Russian Roulette to see who would go first
You bought a 120 GB video ipod for the sole purpose of being able to listen to Hank William's "There's A Tear In My Beer" on it
You burned every science book you owned after you threw a crystal vase into the wall and it didn't break
Your kindergarten teacher asked you what you wanted to be when you grew up and you were expelled for your answer and, as a result, achieved your answer
You did PCP in preschool
You bought an Easy Button, hit it, waited three minutes in silence, and then threw your golden lab through the patio door

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