Billtvshow.com Mobile

This Is Bill - Rutless - Music - Photo Manipulation - Absolut Vodka Ads - Redneck Jokes

Contact - Regular Site

Redneck Jokes Page 9
Info: These redneck jokes are Billtvshow.com originals, not by Jeff Foxworthy. They are by Billtvshow.com staff members and additional contributors, using Jeff Foxworthy's joke style and any similarities with other redneck jokes by Jeff Foxworthy or anyone else is strictly a coincidence. Each mobile page for the redneck jokes contains 200 jokes.
Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Jokes:
You might be a redneck if...
You’ve ever sledded down a steep hill in a casket along with the person who would momentarily spend eternity in it
Your church has a metal detector after you tried to stab the choir director over an argument regarding an F sharp
You’ve ever gotten blue balls while reading Field & Stream
You’ve ever broken out into uncontrollable laughter during a tour of a slaughterhouse
You were once beaten unconscious by your father after you tried to make a unicorn out of a railroad spike, a hammer, and his plowing mule
You’ve ever invented a spring loaded wheelchair ramp, with hilarious results
You’ve ever dropped a cat off a building so high that, quite frankly, you couldn’t find enough pieces of it to prove to your friend that it landed on its feet
The first time you ever encountered a revolving door, you did not stop playing in it until you were picking rock salt out of your chest
You were arrested for making a foolproof whitening toothpaste that contained Kerosene, Jack Daniels, and cocaine
You’ve ever gone out into your backyard and knocked a bunch of mushrooms off of a dead stump into your Cobb Salad
You lost your virginity before you stopped believing in Santa Claus
You beat up other kids in preschool, elementary school, middle school, high school, and college all after the age of thirty
You’ve ever been “all jacked up on Mountain Dew”, but then realized you preferred a mixture of speed and urine instead
The IRS tried to pull up your file and it crashed their server backbone
You were mad when you bought tickets for a Greyhound Bus and there were people on it
You’ve ever superglued yourself to a bull simulator in hopes of picking up women
You missed your child’s birth because you were standing out in your yard hitting june bugs with a ball bat all day
You’ve ever felt that your worries were over based off of an answer that a magic eight ball gave you
You once ate enough cotton candy and caramel apples in one night at the county fair to put yourself in a 17 year diabetic coma
You’ve ever run for county commissioner and cited your massive dick as one of your qualifications
You’ve ever stopped someone’s hiccups with a 2x4
You’ve ever needed some coal for your grill, so you went down to the train tracks and set a couple of old car hoods on top of the rails
You’ve ever lost a spelling bee to an illegal immigrant
You’ve ever been awarded the key to the city for clearing out the claw machine at the bowling alley
You still have a W04 sticker on your pickup after all this
You’ve ever tried to jump your car off a dock onto a ferry when it was already a dot on the horizon
You think deep sea fishing is when you tried to get your wristwatch out of your grandma
You’ve ever gone to a timeshare meeting to get a free toaster and ended up with 17 condos in the Caymans
You’ve ever thrown your child through a Victorian wardrobe over an argument regarding a triple word score in Scrabble
You’ve ever bought a 3000 piece puzzle of a cloudless sky and had to have a lobotomy 2 weeks later
You knew your daddy’s cataract removal went badly when the doctor walked out with a severed arm
You’ve ever invested in braces for your coondog
You’ve ever been sent to sit in the corner by a marriage counselor
You wrote in your sister’s yearbook “To my best piece of ass ever”
Your prom date had hooves
You’ve ever rented a porno called “Chew Your Cud”
You lost your job as a driving instructor when you had a student hit a 6 inch speed bump at 150 mph
You’ve ever asked for the cow and a machete when asked how you wanted your steak cooked
You’ve ever tried to catch a rabbit with a carrot cake, but just ended up giving all your songbirds diabetes
You were held in contempt of court after one of your bottle rockets scorched the bailiff’s scalp
You’ve ever strangled a puppy while staring into its eyes for a Klondike Bar
You’ve ever text messaged someone while hugging a family member at a receiving
You’ve ever played poker on your cell phone with the sound on during a eulogy
Your grandpa’s cataracts are so bad you can look into his eyes and see lightning
You can play the solo from Stairway To Heaven faster than the original on a brown jug
You went to Google Image search, typed in “downtrodden”, hit enter, and went 7 pages before you found a picture of anything besides a member of your immediate family
Every Thanksgiving, you impress your visiting relatives with your word processing skills on your green screen
Your severe astigmatism led you to trade your pickup for a Mickey Mantle rookie card that was actually a four of spades with a smiley face drawn on it
You’ve ever started a business selling pickled kitten hearts, but it took two years of constant psychiatric treatment to fill a single jar
You’ve ever pleasured a cow with a bowling pin
You clear your throat loudly every time the preacher asks for objections at a wedding
You’ve ever set a Guinness world record that involved horses, fire, and trampolines, but no one was around to see it
You’ve ever done a standing backflip over a 6 foot brick wall to avoid a tax auditor
Your hip has numerous horrific scars because you didn’t know for twenty years that pocket knives could be closed
You’ve ever emailed your bank account info to an estranged Nigerian president
You threw a 90 mph fastball the first time you and your 5 year old ever played catch and had a $75000 plastic surgery bill 3 weeks later
You’ve ever tried to impress bystanders at a fast pitch baseball game, but ended up tearing your rotator cuff clean out of your body
You’ve ever roundhouse kicked your kid in the back of the head while he was reading a book in the floor because it would be more interesting than another night sitting around watching TV
McCain endorsed genocide and you still voted for him
Your $5000 subwoofer rattled the rotten teeth out of your kids’ heads
You saw that painting of melting clocks and it gave you an idea that resulted in the destruction of both your microwave and your capability to keep mechanical time
You’ve ever bought a 300 yard long mini USB cable so that you could charge your cellphone while plowing your field
You’ve ever sucked your stomach in so hard to impress a girl that you broke 7 vertebrae
You’ve ever unintentionally lost a game of Tetris in 5 moves
You’ve ever had stabbing chest pains, but you just kept right on nibbling your stick of butter and playing your handheld poker machine
You’ve ever opted for liposuction over chemo
You’ve ever broken the preacher’s collarbone with a potato gun during Sunday morning services
You’ve ever circumcised a horse during a game of truth or dare
You’ve ever awoken on the shoulders of a screaming mob after winning a dirtbike race while sleepwalking
Your welcome mats at your house are stolen mudflaps
You’ve ever performed anesthesia on yourself, but fell asleep before you could unhook the hose and woke up 28 weeks later
You grabbed a ball bat and ran outside when the weatherman said there was baseball sized hail in your area
The flower girl slipped and broke her neck at your wedding due to your chronic diarrhea
You lent your fiancé your klan robes to save on costs for a dress for your wedding
You’ve never made it to the alter at one of your weddings before it broke out into a full blown orgy
You’ve ever successfully fathered a living, breathing kitten
You’ve ever rode a rocking chair sitting in a red wagon off the roof of your barn for a Youtube video that only got 3 views in 7 years
You’ve never opened a fortune cookie that had a fortune in it
The doctor told you that you had cholera and you destroyed an entire wardrobe of shirts trying to get rid of it
You dropped a propane canister down your neighbor’s chimney after his dog took a dump in your yard
You and your wife had to take off from work to take care of each other for alcohol poisoning within the same week
You’ve ever pushed a buddy off an oil rig so you could steal his peanut butter and jelly sandwich
You were convicted of the murder of the guy who invented Mapquest after one of his maps took you off the end of an abandoned bridge in Missouri
You once threw such an extravagant Thanksgiving party for your family that you’re still eating leftover turkey they went bad during the Carter administration
You’ve ever eaten a decade old jar of mayonnaise to get out of doing the dishes
You’ve ever had a casual phone conversation with your wife during a high speed chase
You and your brother once played tennis at the park with shorts cut off so high it looked like a couple of corn dogs bouncing against PVC pipes the whole time
Your farmer’s tan turned out to be farmer’s skin cancer
Your top three vertebrae are made of steel because of that time you tried to hang clean a half ton
The steel plate in your head was less of a medical decision and more of a bullet proofing measure
You’ve ever punched a frustration hole through a Pac Man arcade screen and burned your knuckles off in the liquid crystal display

Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Redneck Jokes Page On Regular Site - Back To Top

Copyright 2008 Billtvshow.com - All Rights Reserved